Monday, October 6, 2014

Some weeks are harder than others



Anxiety is insidious.

Things are so up in the air for me right now.
When you're feeling good - the unknown is an adventure, and it's a whole hell of a lot easier to say something like 'well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.' This past week has just been filled with addition upon addition to the list of things to do, and list of things that are 'unknown'.

I'm feeling different. Different than the gross depression that has been so prevalent for the last year. Different in an indifferent kind of way. I'm anti-social. People seem like a herculean task. As do the loud noises and lights of work. Lately, I've been all about snuggling at home (plus it rained all last week), with a blanket, my first pair of socks worn in 3 months, and a Netflix marathon of Gilmore Girls which was just added on Oct 1st.

I'm trying. I do things because I think that I should want to do things. I should want to be out. Or more like, I shouldn't want to be stuck inside all the time. In a month, I won't have my personal space anymore. My personal fortress of solitude. All of that is going away. Maybe I need to soak it all in before I move out at the end of the month.

All of the above was just to say that anxiety is insidious. Last week I just felt gunky, funky, and blah. Ennui. Malaise. A special finger for the week. I think that the perfect storm of rainy weather kept me indoors, and this avoidance of the present. Anxiety is when you're focused on the future. Groundlessness is when you feel as though where you stand is no longer someplace you recognize.

How do I be more present?
How do I be around the people that are open to help listen, without telling me to plan more?
I don't want to justify my feelings, I just want to feel them. And then let them be.

Meditation is the key.

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